A Twisted Twilight Story
by jadeNsami
Summary: What Happens In The Twilight Saga, Stays In The Twilight Saga. When two girls keep interupting the Saga, it goes wayward and crazy. Will things ever be normal? No...they won't Just saying. Spoof of Twilight and The Saga. Tons of humor and some romance;


**A Twisted Twilight Story**

**By: Reneslec and JadeJordan**

**Chapter 1: Wars!**

I bet you would never guess how it got so twisted, turned and mixed into a huge salad bowl of craziness! I bet you would of never guessed it all started with just two girls walking through the forest listening to "I Just Had Sex" by Akon. I bet you would of never guessed...

"I JUST HAD SEX" screamed the girl with the shoulder length brunette hair who was slightly taller than the other girl.

"AND MY PENIS FEELS GREAT!" hollered the other girl just as loud if not louder. He burnette wavy hair flowing as she sung.

They laughed and laughed as they danced the disco in a very retarded way if i might add along in the forest near there Forks home. When they happened to walk into a clearing full of people. They both stared at them very confused.

"I WANNA DO IT AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN!" shouted the very tall man who you all know as Emmett.

There was silence after that for a little bit as everybody glanced at eachother confused on what to say.

"OH SHIT ITS THE FUCKING ALBINIOS! " the taller girl shouted pointing to the large group of people in the dark black and red robes.

"Language Samantha!" the other girl shouted.

"HELL NO! I heard they eat like cats and shit! DUDE I HAVE A FUCKING CAT! His name is Fluffernugett!" The tall one yelled once again, who we know knew as Samantha

"No! Stay away from Mr. Fluffernugett!" Samantha's friend shouted

"NO JADE!" Samantha shouted again

The people you all must know as the Volturi stared at them with faces that would confuse almost anyone. Thats saying alot. Trust me.

"WE DON'T EAT CATS WE EAT PEOPLE! RAWRRRR! said the tall guy who seemed to be the leader of The Volturi, lets call him Aro

Samantha and Jade just stared at him, like he had just dropped out of a flying saucer run by cows. They rolled there eyes and turned to a little girl also in a black robe.

"Awwwww its sooo cute!" Jade said to the little girl with light blonde hair and dark red eyes.

"I'm not an it thank you very much!-" The blonde girl said, but Samantha cut her off.

"Can we hug you?" Samantha asked the little girl named Jane.

"No-"

"Pleaseee" Jade and Samantha said back

"No"

"Prettyyy please"

"Pretty please with sugar and ice cream on top"

"No"

"Pretty please with sugar and ice cream on top for the sake of the Care Bears!" They pleaded

"Well if its for the sake of the Care Bears..." Jane replied admitting defeat

Then they did a group hug kind of thing.

"CAN I JOIN?" says a tall guy with long black hair in a red robe

"Buttercup can you please be paitent, only one customer at a time" Jade said in a bittersweet tone.

They pulled away from Jane and walked over the Marcus and looked him up and down. Then they whisper to each other.

"NOW ABOUT NOW!" They black haired guy shouted.

"Hmmmmmm" they both said to themselves more than anybody else

"Come on you know you wanna hug this!" The guy whos name was Marcus replied

"Not really I don't do Albino Guys, but hey my friend does! How about I text her for you?" Samantha said

"NO I WANNA HUG YOU!" Marcus shouted

"WELL TO FLIPPIN BAD" Jade yelled back

Samantha looked around at the people around her. Confused Faces Humored Faces WTF Faces.

"OMG ITS A HORSEY! " Jade yelled and ran towards the very over sized brown wolf. Lets call him Jacob

"STFU bitch!" shouted Jane.

"S-sami! That midget called me a bitch!" Jade said in a mock sad voice

"Correction, Gangsta Goth Midget!" Sami replied holding up the 'Rock Out' sign.

"LOOK WE GAVE YOU A HUG! AND WE KNOW STFU DOES NOT MEAN SHINY TINY FABULOUS UNICORN!" Sami goes on shouting once again.

"Well in some cultures it does!" Jade answered in a smart ass tone.

"That would be us!" The red head replied. We will call her Shirley Temple-...wait her name is Maggie? OK! Maggie it is!

"WOAH!" Sami replies

"AROO! Can we eat them now!" The tall blonde haired man says in a whiny girl voice.

"Shut it blondie this amuses me!" Aro replies obviously annoyed

"Their funnier than Emmett!" says the tall scary guy with the blonde hair on the 'good' side.

"OH HELL NO THIS CALLS FOR A CHALLENGE!" Emmett shouts. His voice booming through the field.

"Bring it!" Sami shouts.

"YEAH! Bring it Bitches!" Jade shouts along with Sami!

"YO MAMA WARRR!" Emmett shouts with a smirk rising on his face.

"Fine! Yo Mamma's soo old when I told her to act her age she died!" Jade shouted obviously happy with her words.

"OHHHH!" said the boyish kid next to Jane.

"You soo ugly when you came out the doctor slapped yo Mamma!" boomed Emmett happy with his comeback

"OH NO HE DIDN'T!" Alice laughed

"Yo mama is so grouchy when she worked at McDonalds they stopped selling Happy Meals!" Jade finished obviously happy with her win.

"duddeee you can't beat that! TEAM SAMI AND JADE!" they boy next to Jane said. His name was Alec.

"how do you know my name?" jade asked

"you said it..." alec said confused

"OH YEAH!" jade said back relieasing she had.

"OH YEAH YOU JUST GOR OWNED BITCH!" Caicus now screamed out loud.

Everyone just stared at him. Completely stunned that those words had just came out of his mouth. He just looked around sheepishly

"WHAT? I like a good fight!" he answered

Thats when Sami turned around to two wolves staring at her and Jade. They were staring intently and not looking away.

"HELLOOOO! Would you like to say something to me!" Sami said clearly annoyed.

"THEY IMPRINTED ON YOU!" The spiky haired pixie yelled who we call Alice.

"What the hell?" Jade said obviously confused.

After The Cullens and a helpful wolf explained to them what it meant and that those two wolves were Seth and Leah. Seth had imprinted on Jade. And Leah...on Sami.

"OMG GET AWAY FROM ME YOU LEZ!" Sami shouted stunned!

"My dad was a lesbian! I'm not going down that path again!" Sami said

"Your dad" The tall scary guy named Felix questioned.

"yessss!" Sami replied

"uhhh...I guess I'm a lesbian to!" Alec said proudly

"I'M A LESBIAN AND PROUD!" Felix boomed

"Confession timee! I sleep with a teddy bear!" Emmett shouted

"Didn't see that one coming" Jade said sarcasticly

"I LIKEE TO KISS MEN!" The boy with the spiky hair we will call bisexual eddy.

-Silence-

-Silence-

-Silence-

Sami and Jade walk up to him slowly and start to clap

"Congrats on the first step on coming out of the closet!" Jade said on the verge of laughs.

"Yeah Congrats man!" Sami said giggling

Thats when a very pissed of brunette stomped over to Bisexual Eddy and slapped him and then turned to Jade and Sami.

"DON'T CONGRADULATE HIM HE HAS A WIFE AND A CHILD!" she shouted...that would be Bella.

"well...this is...akward" Sami and Jade said togethor.

"The world is akward if you have noticed.." Caicus answered

"You have issues" Jade simply said

"DON'T TALK ABOUT THEM!" he said almost sadly.

"STFU! I still didn't get my friggin hug yet!" Marcus said obviously pissed off.

"And your still not getting it! now dont use that tone with me!" Sami roared like a lion!

"IM A VAMPIRE I DO WHAT I WANT" She shouted!

The whole place went silent and all eyes turned to Marcus, Sami, and Jade.

"Did you just talk back to the wise Sami?" Alec mocked

"Oh dude shes mad! RUNNN!" Felix boomed on the verge of complete laughter.

Everyone watched as Marcus ran away screaming like a little girl. Most people laughed and giggled at the sight.

"Well that got rid of him" Jade laughs.

But nobody pays attention to what Jade just said all eyes are on the two wolves now in human form walking away into the deep forest

"Ummmm what are they doing" Jade asked serviarlly confused

"There about to confess there undenying love for you guys" Alice said giggling uncontrobaly

They watched as Leah and Seth talked about their beautiful eyes and there great sense of humor. How there smile lite up thier day. They were giving thier hearts out to these two girl and when they were finished they just smiled at them.

"BAHAHAHAHAH" Sami and Jade fell to the ground laughing and giggling and very very amused about the whole thing.

Then Jade becomes very serious.

"EWWWW! They probably have flees!" She screamed and ran into Alecs arms.

"AHHHHH!" Sami screamed in unison and ran into Felix's arms.

"TAKE THAT BITCHES!" Jade screamed laughing. Then started making out with Alec...yeah you heard right.

Then Sami decided to make out with Felix...and then it was a dominio effect.

"MAKE-OUT WAR!" Alice shouted nearly bursting everybodys eardrums.

Emmett just stood there so confused on what to do...

"MAKE OUT WITH SOMEBODY NOW OR I WILL JUMP YOU MYSELF!" Alice screamed again this time towards Emmett.

"OKAY!" Edward shouted and grabbed Emmett and started a hot make-out session.

"WOAHHH! DUDE I SAW THIS STUFF ON JERSEY SHORE!" The little girl with the bronze locks giggled.

"JAKE! I told you not to let her watch MTV!" Bella shouted clearly angry her daughter knew what this all was.

"I SAID! Fucking make-out war!" Alice screamed at Bella.

Bella and Rosalie shrug and start making out with eachother. Then Jacob started to hump the tree like a dog. It was just getting crazy. EVERYBODY WAS HORNY! Even Carlisle and Esme ;)

"NO MAKE-OUT!" Alice screamed for the billionith time!

Then Jake started making out with the tree. His new lover I guess. Sami and Jade slowly released Felix and Alec and started to walk away randomly.

Then Sami stopped right smack in the middle of the feild and turned around to face the Volturi and Cullens. A shocked face on.

"DID YOU SAY YOU WERE VAMPIRES?"

**A\N OHHH yeahhh! Haha so this is a story Jade (JadeJordan) and Sami (Reneslec) are doing. It's just one big bowl of comedy. We interupt some scenes in Breaking Dawn. I wanna try to interupt some of the other books. Twilight, New Moon, Eclispe. But idk if Jade will let me bahaha. Well I hope you enjoyed that it was tons of fun to write! REWIEW! And Edward will make-out with your dad for you! Wait thats not very good...uhhh WE WILL GIVE YOU A COOKIE! hehe byee **


End file.
